When You Feel Like Giving Up

*an insider’s scoop on the reality of living life as a missionary sometimes

A reminder from my friend Mikayla who sent me on the race with a pocketful of encouragements<3

Hey everyone! We made it to Romania! A quick update is that our route has changed *again* and we will be staying in Romania for closer to 2.5 months. This was hard to hear, but I think everyone is growing in realizing nothing is in our control and although it is wild, we are past the halfway point and will be heading to Africa sooner than we know it to finish out our last few months on the field. 

This month has been especially hard for me. We arrived on February 1st, and I became ill that day. This put me into quarantine for the next week, and I was unable to do ministry, go to the orientation, or do anything for a full 7 days. I think it is normal to need time off when sick, but to enter a new country and have no clue what’s going on and then try to jump into a new culture/ministry the next week is way harder than it sounds. On the race, it’s pretty much our job to make connections quickly and bond with people because we only have a month to love and pour into them. When I began doing ministry in week two, everyone already knew everyone and knew their roles and it was just weird to find my footing after that. There was also a lot of cultural information that was given at the orientation that I missed out on. How to best talk with people, approach them, what to do and not do in public to be respected or at least not looked at funny… These are things that are really important to know when trying to reach people, and I missed it. 

It happens. I am not the first and I’m sure I will not be the last to quarantine when it comes to racers getting sick on K Squad. I just wanted to be real with why there hasn’t been many updates from me for a while. I have been sick, I have not been able to regain my strength, and I feel very out of place in this country (which is a total bummer because I was soooo excited to come here and experience the motherland – shout out to Aly, Bobby, Diana, Es… all my Romanian pals <3).

We have been moving to different parts of the country as well. We spent two weeks in a small village called Dragonesti-Olt, and now we are in the city of Craiova. We are partnered with Hope Church Romania. This is an amazing ministry where we have done street evangelism, put on nightly events at the church, worked with food pantries, passed out food to surrounding communities, daily prayer and worship, and have met many missionaries who are here serving as well. This ministry is truly effective, having many different ways of reaching out to the community and making connections. We have SO much ministry, from morning till night we are on the move.

met up with O squad, a different World Race squad that is in Romania as well and shared a morning of worship that felt like a pivotal moment for our squad

So why, here, do I feel like giving up? Why is it now that I feel numb to everything happening around me and everything I am doing?

Our host shared with us recently that the spiritual warfare here is intense. He’s seen many missionaries get sick for no reason, have consistent exhaustion that they can’t seem to shake, or lack motivation to do ministry or even spend time with the Lord. As someone who has felt that since arriving here, I can relate. This has been the first time on the race where it has been a genuine struggle for me to get out of bed in the morning (the struggle was real in Honduras too, but I was always ready to yeet out of my tent in the morning cause of the impending mold I felt growing in my lungs lol). But I am reminded of James 1:12,

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” 

I don’t desire a crown, but I do love the idea of God calling me blessed for being steadfast. To be close to Him… that is a sweet, sweet thing. In the first two weeks of ministry I felt like I could barely pick up my Bible, but when our host shared about the spiritual oppression here, I realized what was happening to me. The last few days I have only been able to cling to my Bible. It brings me peace in the chaos of the day. It fills me when I am empty. It kindles the flames of joy and love in my heart when I wake up with anxiety and frustration. It is what I rest in when I receive no rest in the night. It does this because it is God-breathed and the words are P O W E R F U L. 

There are many days where I wake up discouraged. I am here with 23 other christians who are strong and encouraging, and I have so many prayer warriors and encouragers back home. So a reminder for each of us is that the struggle we face is not against flesh and blood, but it’s against rulers, authorities, against the powers of this dark, dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (eph. 6:12, paraphrased). 

So. I’m still struggling, but I wanted to tell you guys in real time instead of a “look what God brought me through” blog because I am asking for prayer. 

• I am worn down, exhausted, and have found myself struggling a lot with doing ministry every day the last two weeks. 
• Our squad has encountered so much sickness in the last month. Half the squad got the same illness I got, and many of us still have lingering coughs, sore throats, or just different symptoms that haven’t gone away yet.
• I want to pray for you guys too, so please message me with requests. This is what the beautiful body of Christ is. We carry each other’s burdens to fulfill the law of Christ (Gal. 6:2).

“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?” Matthew 16:24-26a

This is encouragement to me, all my fellow racers, and every person reading this blog. We can’t follow Christ without denying ourselves. We have to rid ourselves of our flesh daily to be able to make room and pick up the cross that allows us to follow Jesus. When we want to give up, we can do that….or we can deny ourselves and follow Christ. Sometimes that means discipline, other times humility, and sometimes it even means disregarding our preferences because the Lord has called us to something and it just takes obedience. Wherever you’re at, God wants us to choose Him in the struggle! He’ll give you strength for it too. 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weaknesses. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Cor. 12:9

For a deeper look into the past 2 weeks:

Spent Valentine’s Day with my girls and got free balloons:)

Hosted a youth event in Dragonesti, sharing testimonies and playing games with a group of about 20 teens!

Took part in a “Joshua Prayer,” walking around the perimeter of a University in Craiova, praying for spiritual barriers and walls to fall down

Took over 900 loads out of a truck filled with donated items/clothes for people in Ukraine

Went on a sunrise walk for Katie’s birthday and was reminded of the refreshment that community and creation brings to the soul:)